the truth

I feel like an onion (yes, like Shrek). I have many layers, and I wonder who I will be when some of these old nasty un-usable layers are removed. I am scared at the prospect of being naked (not literally! - please) before my friends. Stripped bare - without my past hurts for comfort. What will I talk about? Who am I underneath these layers that hide my true self? Will anyone care to know me? Will I be interesting enough, without the pain??

Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed.

How can I face the day? Face myself? Face the children? Face the world?

I feel stripped bare, empty, ready to be filled, but empty all the same

I want to give, but I cannot

I have no reserves, I am going to drown here

Slipping into the deep, deep water

I don’t want to feel the pain anymore

I want to be free of it all

I want to live my life free, without fear

Fear sucks – it stops me from moving, it strangles the very soul

The fear makes me feel like I am moving through thick sticky mud, or maybe golden syrup or treacle. It sticks to every part of my body and I am struggling for air. I cannot move without tripping, and it is hard to get back up when I fall. I want to feel clean.

Make me clean, dear Lord, wash me clean. I no longer want to be constricted by the muck.

Amen.